Things we all know

1. Women who have babies love to talk about baby carriers. “What one do you use?” “Oh, I used that one, but then I bought this other one second hand and I tried that for a while.” “What did you think?” “Well, it was okay, so then I ordered this other one, which has pockets, and a little key chain, and I liked that one, but then I went back to the original one.” In the end, everyone agrees that the Ergo is the best one to get, but we wasted 30 minutes talking about it. Again.

2. When a kid acts like a shit head, it’s usually because their parents are shit heads.

3. Can we all stop giving a crap about how others feed their babies? Give ‘em formula, give ‘em breast milk. Feed ‘em soy. Feed ‘em cow’s milk heavily laced with hormones. Whatever. It’s your choice. *Side note: Cow's milk with hormones is actually delicious!

4. Going to the doctor with a sick child is pretty useless. Here’s what will happen: Your child will scream as soon as she sees the scale. She’ll whip her head back and forth rapidly, preventing the nurse from getting the ear thermometer reading. She’ll start tearing the paper off the exam table. The doctor will take one look at the child and declare that she has a virus and there’s nothing to be done. You ask how you can avoid viruses in the future, and the doctor says good hand washing. You nod your head and wonder what toddler has ever been good at hand washing.

5. People love to say, “It’s good for kids to get sick.” Really? Who has this ever been good for? Maybe the species as a whole, yes. The species wants to see the strongest survive. But you know what’s on the other end of that little argument? For the strongest to survive some have to die. That’s pretty awful isn’t it? So let’s not say that anymore. Let’s hope for children to stay healthy.

6. Mommy discussion boards are full of complete and total idiots. Reading them makes you depressed about the human race, just like watching most reality television, cable news and The Today Show.

7. Nothing you do has anything to do with how your child does or does not sleep. Stuff him full of solid foods at 8 weeks. It won’t make a difference. Pump him full of iron-fortified formula. Get the sound machine. Co-sleep. Cry-it-out. Baby whisper. Do all of it, all the time, consistently and perfectly. None of it will make a darn bit of difference. Children sleep when they want to sleep. Just try to stay out of their way when they are ready. And stop blaming yourself. And throw away those awful books.

8. Speaking of sleep, some people are way too uptight about naps. You know, those people who run their lives and consequently the lives of anyone who happens to intersect with them around their precious bundle’s nap schedule. Lighten up. Let a nap run late. Put the kid down early. Be flexible. And stop talking about it all the time. No one cares.

9. If you don’t trust your husband to watch your child because he texts all the time, don’t tell anyone. Or get a divorce. Or maybe go back in time and don’t have the child to begin with.

10. The phrase “screen time” is obnoxious. And TV won’t kill your baby.